Not sure if this will develop into a new category or not, but couldn’t resist posting about this one. The other night, over a few beers, a friend outlined the synopsis of a film so ridiculous that most of us thought he was making it up. The following morning, he sent us this:
Yes. It appears that this turd was actually made. Tiptoes (2003) featured such A-list talent as Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette and Gary Oldman, the latter playing, wait for it, a dwarf. With a supporting cast that must have included every dwarf that could read a line (including, unfortunately, the talented Peter Dinklage), Tiptoes went straight to DVD after its Sundance premiere, which is why nobody has heard of it.
There is so much that is just terrible about this idea, I’m not sure where to begin. But having Gary Oldman walk around on his knees to make him appear dwarflike (without accounting for the normal length of his arms) is surely one of the most glaring missteps. And why not have real dwarf Dinklage play Oldman’s part? To be honest, I don’t think anything would have saved this, but it might be fun to screen this for a look at some A-list talent working hard for a paycheque. I’m sure a few beers would help.
As all-out ridiculous goes:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099710/
William Freidkin’s ‘The Guardian.’ It all boils down to a killer tree inhabited by the spirits of evil Druids. This too is the sort of bad that should have been looked at, laughed at, and flung into the nearest shredder. But when you’ve directed The Exorcist, people have hopes…
Although I didn’t see it, M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening might end up on the list, too, at least from some of the scathing reviews I read. Your “killer tree” comment jogged my memory about that one.
Stunned. Gary! What have you done? Dare I say he has shrunk in stature after this. For a second during the trailer I thought it was just pieced together parts of other movies. The title takes the cake, though. There’s just something… Saturday Night Live about it. It makes me squeamish.